Just cropdusted the office
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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