My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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