Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
