i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
