We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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