Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
apparently the secret to your success is patron
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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