soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
