she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
