I'm so fucking centered right now
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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