our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
