The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
