nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize