new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
