i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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