Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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