Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
