you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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