I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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