Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
