I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
