Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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