i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
