Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
