I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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