is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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