I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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