Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
