I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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