So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Semen is not good for contacts.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
