you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
