So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
