I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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