My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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