Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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