just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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