I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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