So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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