I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
