Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
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