Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize