She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
