Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
