I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
