Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
