then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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