Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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