this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize