I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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