I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
My vagina just recognized that song.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
