Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
love makes seman taste better
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
