come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
