I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
