woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
