smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
