Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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