Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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