you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
