ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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