Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
