yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
