does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
